HYDE PARK, NEW YORK — The Culinary Institute of America has released a study this week, confirming suspicions of happy hour guests around the world. 


“Like bicycles and magnets, often folk knowledge predates scientific backing,” a last-year major in the CIA Food Science Department told us via Facebook Messenger. “We’ve known for decades that three or four solid stabs of the straw makes a cocktail better.  But we’ve finally implemented the scientific method, and all this free time, to put concrete fact behind it.”


The study was reportedly done over the weekend with 37 sample cocktails, mostly in the crushed ice and tropical category.


“We found that one stab did almost nothing, like the equivalent to the bartender putting the straw in the cocktail. Then when we gave it two, even three, more stabs – the cocktail increased in quality by 45-53%.”


The scientists are continuing the study to test an almost-empty ice jiggle.  These tests are yet inconclusive.


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