NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT — A group of Anthropological Scientists at the New England Council for Beverage Industry Oversight released a startling bartender behavior study on Wednesday.
“We blind tested our groups here, so nobody knew what the heck was going on,” an Anthropologist from the Council told us today over the phone today. “We had them come in and do a few random things: put on a pair of shoes, shuffle a deck of cards, and take one (1) peel from an orange using a standard Y-Peeler.”
The second half of the test was a little trickier.
“Then, we needed to anonymously poll all of their past and present lovers. This took some digging, but eventually we just asked the Host at each of their bars and restaurants. They knew everything, and even drew out a timeline to show the overlapping partners. These results shocked us — there was a direct correlation between the scale of selfishness/selflessness and the angle at which they attacked that orange peel! A surprising middle category of those who peeled at a 45 degree NE-SW angle were rated squarely in the medium-selfish-but-too-confident category.”
“We were also surprised to notice that those who peeled North-South, 100% of them fully tied one shoe before putting the other one on.”